I Love Kids

I love kids, when I get near them

I love kids who are polite and say “Hello!”

I love kids, with their eyes so clear

Kids who promise not to tattle,

For some candy or a rattle,

But these days it’s such a battle,

All the children “just say NO!”

 

There are old kids who suspect me

And younger kids who don’t

There are some who come for cookies,

And smarter ones who won’t

Some tots have got some purity

But today’s kids, they’re no fools,

Good Lord!  Someone’s been teaching them!

Could it be, …No!... the SCHOOLS!!?

 

At recess time last Tuesday, there was this little girl

A tiny second-grader with long and bouncy curls

She wanted to play Doctor.  She said “Turn your head and

     cough!” (A-hem!)

When I turned back, my watch was gone!  The Doctor ripped

     me off!

 

Still I love kids who don’t ask questions

I love kids who indecency affects

I love kids who take suggestions

Kids whose parents taught ’em

That is was the stork who brought ’em

Kids who never have a thought ’em

About, you know, - S-E-X!!

 

I must be getting rusty, losing my finesse

I no longer get reactions from the kids when I undress

So I flashed the city playground, YES! I knew I’d finally won!

But three little monsters mooned me while the others cheered

     them on!!

 

So don’t give rides to children, especially ones who smile

Don’t let them eat your candy til you’ve known them for awhile

Don’t let them touch your trenchcoat with their clammy

     little hands

And never drink the lemonade they sell at roadside stands!!

 

Now I hate kids when I get near them

These Sex Ed classes have taught them much too much!

Like tiny therapists that you can’t trust

I hate children of all ages,

We should lock the brats in cages

Make this city less outrageous for the decent folks LIKE US!!

 

Written by Peter Alsop   1982